I needed to tell you
by Absolute Ginger
Summary: Red…a red, the color red….red is the color of…but…no Sammy wouldn’t…no he couldn’t have….But….Sammy… More Inside


Warning- Wincest

Also have some'bad' languageand offensive material...(self harm and all that jazz)

I don't own the Boys or Supernatural...but hey my birhtday's in a 6 months wink wink

Also, I don't own Sia or her lyrics (jealous though)...and I do strongly recommend that you listen to this "Breathe Me" while you read it ((the song was my muse to write this ))

_Help, I have done it again_

_I have been here many times before_

His mind shut off from the sounds of his brother he slept. He had gotten used to hearing the shuffling of sheets and the cries of pain, the nightmares Sam had, they were nothing now to Dean. He just let his brother sleep, so when the door shut to the bathroom, his mind didn't bother to alert him.

**---Sammy Why---**

Slowly Dean's eyes open and he looked over to the vacant bed next to his. _Vacant, alone, not filled with…_ He got up and stretched his cramped limbs; the bathroom door was shut and quiet. He sighed softly to himself and got up to tell Sammy he needed some time in there too.

The sun streaming through the door made an almost tint to the carpet that was under the threshold. Dean squinted his eyes a bit and saw the tint; it changed the colors of the fibers into a brilliant red. _Red…a red, the color red….red is the color of…but…no Sammy wouldn't…no he couldn't have….But….Sammy…_ His eyes darted to the unmoving shadow that cut off the tint everything else.

_I should have known, I should have saw how down he was…for so long. But…he never told me, god Sam, why didn't you tell me…_ He fell to the floor by the door and hugged his knees tightly. His mind back-tracking to when they were going to sleep…

_Hurt myself again today_

_And the worst part is there's no one else to blame_

**-- God Sam --**

"No actually I was going to sleep…" Sam said softly almost a whisper. His head was lying softly against the headboard, his movements stiff and uneasy.

"Ah well…don't worry, we can get em tomorrow." Dean quipped with a smile. They were hunting, yet again. It was getting more and more noticeable to Dean that Sam was going to break…but maybe, maybe Sam would come to him on his own. Dean was never good with the 'open up to me' kind of feelings. Sam was always the one who could pry people open and get them to tell him their whole life story.

"I can't take this anymore..." Sam grimaced. There was a slight but powerful pain in his chest, and it seemed to crawl out through his body. The pain seemed to build up with his every move, finally ending at his fingertips. He slowly ran his dull fingernail over the smooth skin on his wrist, a small sad smile forming on his lips as he did so.

"What did you just say?" Dean said almost alarmed at what he thought Sammy had just said. But Sam had already turned over and had that sleeping position that Dean knew all to well. So as the lights dimmed and soon the pitch night pierced through into their room, Dean took comfort in the slow intake of breath heard from his baby brother…That and only that kept his worried mind at bay for the moment…

**--Don't Leave Me--**

_Ouch, I have lost myself again_

_Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found_

His head feel into his hands and the screams came, screams off fear and pain, loneliness and heartbreak. Tears fell down his soft skin, tears of love and tears of loosing Sam, tears of frustration. He sat there for a long time, screaming and crying, just didn't stop, and now his throat was hoarse, unable to make the pain he had go away.

He had to see him, see Sam's face again. That would melt the pain, some of it. He had to see the only one that could help him through this, no matter the condition. His legs stood, they were weak, wobbly and not his. He gripped the door knob slowly and began to turn it, a slow clicking noise sounded as he did so.

_Yeah, I think that I might break_

_Lost myself again and I feel unsafe_

The shadow moved and his heart skipped a beat. He yanked the door open and his eyes went to his brother, huddled up in the corner of the bathroom, the tiles somewhat bloody and tears streaming down his face. His arms were bleeding, pain written over his face. Sam looked up into him, disappointed. "Dean leave me alone, I thought the signs of me dead, gone, would be enough to make you keep away. But look at me, I'm so pathetic, I can't do anything right anymore. Not even when I'm doing the right fucking thing, not even when…" Sam's voice trailed off, far away and not his.

Dean started to go towards Sam but he stopped when he saw the hunting knife still clenched in Sam's hands. The tears came again, and this time for fear. Sam's voice was choked and painful "You see this…..I'm still weak, I couldn't do it. I'm such….god I'm nothing! Why the fuck did I wait this long to do this? I've just wasted everyone, everything…" His hand flexed causing the blood to spill out more.

_Be my friend_

_Hold me, wrap me up_

_Unfold me, I am small and needy_

_Warm me up and breathe me_

Dean took a step forward "Don't get away from me…no one can help me anymore. I tried Dean, but I can't. Everything is my fault, no matter how I looked at it, last night, Jess, Mom, everything. And not even you can deny it." Sam told him harshly.

"Sam please don't do this…" His voice was pleading and fearful, it quivered when he looked at Sam's arms. The cuts stopped at his wrist, they weren't deep, but enough to cause pain. Sam didn't look up at him but he continued to talk.

"Don't try Dean; I've made up my mind. I'm useless and this will help everyone. No one would care, no one would notice, I am nothing, I don't help and I'm weak….no one would notice" He just kept mumbling his sorrows over and over

Dean kneeled down and ignored the threats from Sam "Don't you say that, not ever again…." He made Sam look into his eyes; the green ones that stared back were hurt and painful. "I would notice Sam, I would care" Dean's voice strong and true as he looked deep into his brother's face. "I can't do this without you…I…I can't…" His voice trailed off as the tears fell down his face. Sam bit his lip trying to hold back his own that were pooling in his eyes.

_Be my friend_

"Can't what Dean? Can't think that this was your fault! It wasn't! None of this was….it was mine! And I can't go on knowing this! I can't do this anymore" His voice cracked slightly with weakness and anguish

Dean looked back up at Sam, "No Sam….I, I can't live without you. I can't manage without you, and when you're gone, I'm lost." He placed both of his hands on either side of Sam's head, the tears evenly flowing from his hazel eyes. "And if you go I go…because you, you're my life and without you, _I'm_ nothing"

_Hold me, wrap me up_

Sam's head fell down leaning into Dean's hands. Sobbing, his shoulders bobbing up and down, the knife fell from his hands and he wrapped his arms around Dean. "God Dean, I…" His voice was a whisper, covered by the cry of pain that followed the tears.

They stayed like that for a long time, Sam just letting everything out, crying his way through the pain he felt, and Dean with him. They held each other tightly, scared to let go.

Sam was first to pull, his eyes looking at the tiles on the floor. "Why is this so hard for me…so hard to say one thing to you, I couldn't even do it when I was going to…" Dean stopped him, afraid he might get sick if Sam said it. Sam's voice was quieter "So hard for me to tell you that I love you…tell you that you're the only one that gets me and understands me…and that you're the only one who I feel completely and utterly safe with. So hard for me to tell you that I Love you more than anything….I was scared to tell you, scared of what you might think, what I feel, it's, it's not normal and…" His eyes finally met Dean's and he was shocked at what he saw. Dean was smiling, smiling through tears, but he was smiling.

_Unfold me_

Sam just bit his lip, not really knowing what to expect Dean to say. But Dean didn't say anything. He moved closer to Sam, his arm wrapped around his body and he picked him up. The blood on Sam's arms whipping off on Dean's shirt. He carried him to his bed; laid him down and sat next to him. Sam curled up into a ball on the hard mattress, he wasn't facing Dean anymore.

Sam was slowly moving to face his brother, unable to mask his fear. "Please Dean, I need to know what you're thinking, I mean, all of this….god, I'm an idiot. But, I thought that if I……" He slowly trailed off watching as his fingers pulled at the cheap fabric of the motel bed.

Dean leaned his body in closer, his arm holding him inches away from Sam's face. "I'm so quiet because you have no idea how long I've wanted to say that to you, how long I wanted to hear it from you, to think that maybe you thought the same, but I never knew and never had the guts to tell you the way I really felt, and I was scared, scared of what you would think of me…I was-"He was cut off from the warm crush of lips on his. Sam's arms pulled him down and he laid on him, his hands running through his hair. He didn't worry about breathing, didn't need to. Because this, being with Sam, was all he needed.

_I am small and needy_

Sam slowly pulled his shirt off, wrapping his cold hands around his waist, the sudden coldness causing Dean to gasp. He smiled slightly, making Dean Smile. Teeth bit his neck, hands grazing his thighs.

Sam wanted this more than anything in the world, and now that he knew Dean did as well, there was no holding back. Dean felt the same way, he knew by the way he wouldn't, no couldn't let him go. The way he undressed Sam, so effortlessly, so easily, let him know he always felt the same way.

Dean leaned down, his hot breath heavy on Sam's chest, with his head so close Sam gently bit at his ear. Dean's hand slowly caressed down Sam's chest, stopping just above his hips, the hair on the back of his neck standing on end with lust. Sam bucked up his loins sending Deans hand lower than he intended and Sam moaned, His mouth poured over his brother's and he swallowed the rest of the groans forming at Sam's lips.

Sam's hands slid off the clothing that was keeping Dean's skin off of his and his hands explored the new exposed beauty. He slid down Dean's body and stopped mid way above his abdomen, biting on the skin his teeth digging into the bone that lay under the tender skin. A soft whimper was exposed to his ears and he knew Dean liked that, so he moved to the other side and slid his tongue across his warm skin, seconds later nipping at it with his teeth. The moans making him bite harder letting Dean lean back with euphoria, his hands running through his hair.

Dean pulled Sam up from where he was, his hands holding down Sam's, a cry of pain from where the cuts were fresh. He slid his mouth over the cuts and laced his fingers with Sam's. Pulling Sam's mouth to his he kissed him passionately. His tongue exploring the cave he had been craving for so long. Dean's lips slid downward to his brother's neck, where he bit at the flesh, torturing him slowly. Sam let out a lust filled moan and ran his fingers down Dean's spine, his hand wrapping around his waist, pulling Dean downward back onto him.

_Warm me up_

To see his brother so helpless and vulnerable was a beautiful sight. Not like in the bathroom, that would never be-…. It was the way he moved under his skin, the way he groaned at every touch he placed on his soft skin. It was something he had never saw in his Sam before, something he wanted to see a lot more of, Dean smiled at this thought.

Dean, already feverous from being with Sam like this, was sent into a new 'high' as Sam tightened his grip around his waste and dug his hips deeper into Dean's. He could feel himself buckle down with pleasure and he felt like he was going to explode.

Sam's breath was caught in his throat as he felt the growing orgasm start to spike. He pulled Dean down onto him, his arm around his neck holding him down. Dean's breathing had gotten quicker, sending chills down Sam's back as is breath splashed over his bare neck. He couldn't stand it anymore, couldn't hold it in and soon he was gasping for air as he felt the heat climb down his body and into his hips.

_And_

Dean was doing the same, and they rocked into each other. Then Sam ruptured, not able to hold it in, his panting mimicked Dean's as they lay on each other. Dean lay behind Sam, his arm wrapped around him. "God Sam…I love you" That was all he could say, for words escaped his mind. Sam smiled and turned, kissing Dean softly. "I know…" and this made Dean smile. He pulled Sam closer to him, his body almost molding together with it. To see Sam so innocent was beautiful and he wanted to hold into the moment forever.

Sam had no guilt, no pain and the need to feel the blade end his sorrow slipped away as Dean leaned in closer and held him as he slept. He was needed, he was cared for, and someone would notice if he was gone….and that someone was the one person he wanted

To be with for the rest of his life…And Dean would always be there.

**_Breathe Me_**

**_Yep Thats It Folks You would never imagine the time it took me to write this...ah but It's done XP_**

(and now for the Sam/Dean review!)

Sam- Again...like you're last Story...why am I always the one getting hurt! I mean come on! I got shot the last time...now Im cutting myself...lovely.

Dean- Atleast you got to hit me up this time...snarks

Now Now Boys...don't fight...Dean will get his turn...someday

Sam- And another thing...Why was it mostly from his POV eh? Don't I get any say?

Yes I do admit I didn't give you alot of POV...but I said you were beautiful...

Sam- blushes So...

Dean- Dawww look at em! Hes so cute when he blushes...Hey why did you make me say that?

Because I have the Magic Fingers remember?

Sam-Yeah well so does De-

AND THATS THE END OF THEY'RE REVIEW!

Now I'd love some feedback for you all


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